After the Left

Strokey's Brain is thinking about the left side, mostly the left hand. I have a touch of 'left neglect' as a residual side affect of right hemispheric brain damage. You don't lose that side of yourself, only your body. To me it felt as if all of me was scrunched on the right side of me. There begins this dialogue wherein the right says, "Hey! You're crowding us!' And the left responds, gazing at the hand, the foot, "But. that's. not. us..."

The summer before the stroke I jotted something on a post-it. I was at the cottage and I was about to leave for a Pirates game. I had been pondering the word left, I think it began with left-field and I was mining the word for all of its meaning. I'd completely forgotten this, due to the stroke, until last year when I found the post-it, with all of its left conjugations, on the bedroom floor. Of course I immediately believed I'd written it post stroke until the memory added itself back. (I was standing in the precise location where I'd jotted the thing.) I now see this as my psyche preparing itself; leaving a note for me to find later.

My politics are left, but not foreign to me. My left side gets put out with myself making demands on it. It says, "Leave me alone. Who are you?" or "Haven't you left yet?" I'm in the kitchen talking to my husband with my right hand as my left spills coffee on the floor. I run into the molding on the doorway as if I my left side was not there. I walk funny; more often if I've had some wine or when I'm very tired. I like to lie on my left side but find it difficult to get up. That side says, "That ain't me fat girl. You pick her up."

Recovery meant that my left self had to reclaim ownership and she did, no matter how odd it seemed to do so. I play the game 'Scramble" repetitively as a means to bring left hand in line. This helps with fine motor stuff and the cognitive. Even though there is some kind of betrayal here; I'm deeply fascinated. Left me--I am left--go left--left side--left bereft--bear left--bear left--bear left--left field--left alone--lefty--left left...

At times you'll find me picking up around here...wiping, collecting, scratching, and the rest. I notice that arm hanging lazily from the left side of my body...when I do, I pick it up and make good use of it.

This is Strokey (me) with my sister Jane and my cane. I was home from rehab for the weekend. You can see the sag on the right side of my face...Above the neck, the damage switches sides...so the right face wil droop with right brain damage..